By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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