I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
