In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
