Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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