Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
