is your mom at the bar?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
