I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
