Your face is a jimmy john
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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