Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
