Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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