Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
