So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
