my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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