forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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