"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
