My balls are so social today.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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