Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize