There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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