i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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