I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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