Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
