***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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