why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
