My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
