You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
