ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
