Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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