it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
