I'm so fucking centered right now
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
