he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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