He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
