my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
