the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize