I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
