Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
