Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
