I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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