Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
