I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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