Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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