hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize