i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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