Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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