That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
