69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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