Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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