He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
