I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So apparently I’m into choking now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
