i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
