I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize