he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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