How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm passing your future prison.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
