I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
