Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
