It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
