1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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