He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
