there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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