YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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