Please, let me fuck your mom
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
