is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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