Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
