You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
