I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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