Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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